


in flagrante delicto

by jonphaedrus



Category: Hades (Video Game 2018)
Genre: Gen, extreme measures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:33:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27294985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jonphaedrus/pseuds/jonphaedrus
Summary: “What. Are you doing to the king’s car.”
Relationships: Dionysus & Zagreus (Hades Video Game), Thanatos/Zagreus (Hades Video Game)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 138





	in flagrante delicto

“This is a terrible idea. It’s literally the middle of the afternoon. This is a busy street. Anybody could walk by and catch us. The neighbors could call the cops on us. There are neighbors here. Did you forget there are neighbors here?”

“That’s what Pat’s for. He'll tell us if the cops are coming.”

"Fuck pigs!"

“He’s standing at the end of the driveway! He won’t see anyone coming sooner than we will!”

“Seriously, dude, keep your voice down. They’ll hear you and ruin the surprise.”

“I—excuse me?!”

“Zag, man, I hate to tell you this but your boyfriend is, like, _really_ a wet blanket. Like. Ultimate party pooper.”

“ _I_ can hear you,” Thanatos said between clenched teeth. He could only see the top of Dionysus’ head from where he was just barely visible on the other side of the car, crouched down next to the wheel while he pried the last custom gold free-spinning rim off. “You know I can hear you.”

“Yeah, dude, I heard you the first time. I’m just pretending I can’t hear you. Because you suck.”

Thanatos rolled his eyes. Then did it again, for good measure. Seriously. Why had he agreed to come help?

“Than,” Zagreus said, “Catch.” Thanatos barely reached up in time to catch the keys that Zagreus tossed his way, fumbled them. Zagreus stuck his head back under the hood of the car, doing something with the starter or the engine that Thanatos was sure was definitely illegal. “Key it.”

“What—I—no!” Dionysus sat up just far enough that Thanatos could see his eyes and rolled them twice. He hesistated, staring at the keys. He bit his lip. He looked at the car.

“You only live once!” Patroclus called over, from the foot of the driveway.

Thanatos groaned, flipped the keys around, and went at the passenger door. He pressed hard, and was surprised by how quickly the key bit through the paint, the raucous, atonal screech as it dragged across the metal. Freezing, like Mother Nyx had caught him one hand in the cookie jar at midnight, he glanced back toward the house.

Nothing. He could see silhouettes moving about normally behind the curtains.

“Fuckit,” he muttered, and started on another line. Zagreus giggled from the engine. There was the sibillant hiss of a tire being punctured, the whine of the air being released. The paint, the ugly, gaudy, brilliant, eye-blinding gold paint, peeled off under Zagreus’ keys. One line became five, became ten. Dionysus pulled out a jar of vaseline and started coating the door handles, the windows, the windshield wipers. Patroclus stood, alert and careful, at the base of the driveway.

“What. Are you doing to the king’s car.”

Everyone froze.

Thanatos, very slowly, looked up. Standing in the middle of the front pathway was the Bull of Minos himself. Asterius looked to Zagreus, then to Dionysus, then to Thanatos, and then down to the foot of the driveway at Patroclus, then back to Zagreus. Zagreus was currently standing on top of the car, the sunroof pried partway open, half-empty gallon of Mountain Dew: Code Red in his hands.

The only sound was the slow, liquid glopping of the Mountain Dew pouring into the interior of Theseus’ car. It got quieter and quieter as the bottle emptied.

“This,” Zagreus finally said, and Thanatos was praying he was going to come up with _something_ , some ridiculous excuse, some ass-covering to be legendary forever, like he always did. “Isn’t what it looks like.”

Asterius narrowed his eyes. “What,” he replied, slowly, “Does it look like?”

“Like...” Zagreus swallowed audibly. “Like I’m trashing Theseus’ car?”

Asterius did not have eyebrows. He was a minotaur. That did not stop him from, somehow, raising his eyebrows.

Thanatos looked down at the keys he was currently holding, the keys and his hands covered in curls of gold paint. Patroclus at the foot of the driveway looked like a deer, frozen in the headlights. Dionysus still had three fingers in the vaseiline. Zagreus looked down at the bottle of Mountain Dew. He looked up at Asterius. “Uh.”

The front door to the house opened: it framed Theseus there, wearing nothing but his bicep sweatbands and a pair of hot pink jogging shorts. “Asterius!” He turned.

Theseus also froze. Very, very slowly, he lifted his hands to either side of his head, pressed his palms to either side of his skull. His jaw dropped open. His eyes got so wide the whites were visible all the way around. “You.” He sputtered, choking on his own spit, gasping for breath. “You!” He pressed harder on his head, his mouth a perfect _o_ of surprise. “You—you! You trashed! My car! You trashed my car! You—You trashed my fucking car! Asterius! They trashed my car!”

Dionysus threw the vaseline as hard as he could and it hit Theseus in the face, vaseiline sticking the plastic jar to his chin. “Scatter!” He yelled, and Thanatos moved without thinking, Zagreus jumping off of the roof of the car and stumbling next to him as they took off running, Patroclus _howling_ with laughter as he got a head start, sprinting down the street. Dionysus was wheezing, unable to breathe with how hard he was laughing, and Zagreus kept glancing over his shoulder as he tripped, skidding out of the driveway and into the street.

Theseus was wailing mournfully, fallen to his knees next to the car. “Zagreus!” Asterius yelled. “I literally _know you!_ ” Zagreus started laughing even harder, clutching his side. Thanatos was laughing, too, glancing over his shoulder every other step to see if they were being chased. They were halfway down the street now. “I know where you live!”

“It’s—“ Zagreus gasped, almost doubled over with how hard he was laughing, his words coming out as a little whisper of a gasp. “It’s so fucking ugly!” He shouted back. “It’s _so fucking ugly_ , mate!”

“Yes—I mean, no!” Asterius growled so loudly they could hear it five houses down. “Zagreus!”

“Sorry!” He shouted back, and they kept running, Thanatos laughing so hard he was crying.

“I regret,” Patroclus called back, “ _Nothing!_ ”

“We’re so fucked,” Thanatos told them between laughs. “We are _so fucked_.”

“Worth it!” Dionysus crowed. “Did you see his face, mate? Did you see _his face_?”

Thanatos had. And he had _totally deserved it._

**Author's Note:**

> 20:17 High Epic Phaedrus HOLY SHIT  
> 20:17 High Epic Phaedrus HS FUCKING CAR  
> 20:17 McCoy HIS CAR.  
> 20:18 High Epic Phaedrus "yOU BROKE MY CHARIOT"  
> 20:18 McCoy HE HAS SEVERAL LINES.  
> 20:18 High Epic Phaedrus WHERE'S MY MODERN AU WHERE ZAGREUS AND DIONYSUS TRASH HIS CAR
> 
> 20:21 High Epic Phaedrus i literally might write this


End file.
